“People Tell You Who They Are—Are You Listening?”
A long time ago, in a land far far away (just kidding, this isn’t a fairy tale and I am no princess...unless it’s about coffee..) my counselor said something that had a profound impact on how I listen and respond to people. Something that if you have been in one of my trainings or received any guidance from me, you’ve probably heard me say, “people tell you who they are, you need only listen”.
Honestly, in today’s world, there is very little we actually have control over. I would argue the only thing we truly have control over is ourselves. You know, the way we respond, how we listen, what we think, the way we engage or disengage from the people, places, and things around us.
I’ve been out of the radio room for a few years now, and the more time I spend being on the outside, the more I have slowly and intentionally cleansed from the toxicity that still exists inside.
You all know what I’m talking about. The catty back and forth is designed to decimate the other, the gossip, the deception stemming from being bored, targeting someone to gain a click, or simply because you’re having a bad day. Go to any First Responder conference and you’re bound to find a session on culture or being the change you complain about or how to lead from where you are. Some of those trainings are really spot on, and it invigorates my soul to know there are humans in our community that are willing to call us all out on our bull*hit (cause let’s be honest, none of us are perfect, and maturity is about the pursuit of progress over perfection). The problem with all the training and conversations about culture and toxicity in the industry is that it’s all talk. We know what the problem is, but what do we feel empowered to actually do about it?
If we have no control over what other people say or do, then how do we actually create change in the culture? For me, the answer is clear and complex. To authentically effect change, we have to first acknowledge that the individuals (you and I) that make up the collective “we” are the problem. You know, in that catchy Taylor Swift antihero kind of way, “I’ll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror.”
I said the answer is clear and complex, right? The clear part...it’s me hi I’m (part of) the problem, (thanks Tay Tay.) The complex part.... heal yourself. The hardest work you will ever do, and the best choice you will ever make. But how do you do that? Where do you start?
When something happens, someone says something, or does something that you have a reaction to, “practice the pause”. You have a choice to make: you can react or you can respond. Take a beat and evaluate yourself first. Why am I activated right now? What happened, what did this person say/do that triggered my reaction? Is this something I need to respond to or allow to flow down the river? What responsibility do I have here, what can I take ownership of, and how can I do that in a way that honors my core values? Is a response from me going to help or hurt the situation? While there are a lot more thoughtful questions we can ask ourselves, these are more than enough to get you started.
The wild thing about asking these questions is you actually get to know yourself better. You get to see the blemish and beauty that makes you ... you. When you start to see the muck in your own heart and mind, you get to choose what you do with it. Are you gonna clean up yourself before you point the finger at the other, or are you gonna remain focused on the other and forget that you are part of the problem? If and when you choose to clean up your insides, that’s when the cultural tides shift and we can start to heal our working environment.
If you and I can take just 1% accountability for our participation in the toxicity, whether from silence or engagement, we change the trajectory of the industry from darkness and death to light and life. It won’t happen overnight, but if you and I take responsibility for ourselves, “we” transform the health and vitality of the collective.
So my friends, if people tell you who they are, and we need only listen, who are you telling the world you are? What if not participating in the gossip or malicious targeting behaviors is not enough? What if to actively change the culture in the radio room, we must look in the mirror first. It’s not easy, and we don’t have to do it alone, but no one can clean out your muck for you, and no one else is responsible for your response.
I truly believe the only thing that matters this side of heaven is people. You take nothing with you when you die, but people will remember how you made them feel, how you reacted, or if you chose to respond. You control what you choose. Choose wisely, our collective depends on it.
In health and vitality,
Sara Brady, MS, FDN-p, AADP
Thin Line Consulting
